Exodus 20:14
So. Today is the day for the “sex” talk. The church should be a place where sex is talked about. But too often, we seem too embarrassed to even say the word “sex,” as if human sexuality were not a good gift of God. And human sexuality is a gift that is most rightfully enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. Before we can talk about adultery, we have to talk a little bit about marriage.
Anne Robertson brings this home in her book, God’s Top 10: “What I think is missing, at least in the churches I’m familiar with, is a solid theology of marriage and sexuality. American culture, and especially American Christian culture, is so neurotic about sexual issues that we can hardly deal with the topic like mature adults. So we tend not to deal with it at all, except in childlike terms of good and bad … In most cases, what we know about sexuality and committed relationships comes not from the church, but from the popular culture around us … If Christian theologians are doing much of anything in the area of the theology of sexuality and commitment, it’s not finding it’s way into the churches. In forty-five years of churchgoing, I’ve heard little that’s more profound than a recital of ‘Thou shalt nots.’ I don’t think we can reasonably expect to solve the adultery problem by proclaiming our condemnation either more frequently or more loudly. The problem is not ignorance of the commandment. The problem, I think, is ignorance of God’s purpose in marriage.”
This is a correct assessment of the issue. The church is not offering people any Christian understanding of marriage or of sex. For many centuries, the church taught that the purpose of marriage – and of sex – was procreation; the producing of children. But that understanding, at least for most Christians, has changed, as we have come to understand that some couples are unable, for physical reasons, to have children, and other couples choose to not have children for other reasons. We no longer understand the sole purpose of sexual relations to be creating children. Robertson suggests that the marriage relationship is ultimately about our faithfulness to God. She writes, “A covenant relationship to one partner is the gift God gives us so that by learning to be faithful to another person ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live’ we might eventually be able to do the same with God … As our commitment to our life’s partner is strengthened, so is our ability to keep our commitment to God. If either one starts to fail, we can expect the other to suffer.”
The Bible teaches us that the body is part of God’s good creation; according to J. Ellsworth Kalas, in his book, The Ten Commandments from the Back Side, this means that the Bible cannot have a cheap or casual view of sex. The Bible teaches that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit; therefore, our sexual relations will have a spiritual element. Sex is, in a way, a holy act.
Anne Robertson has much the same idea, but comes at it from a different angle. She writes, “Sexuality is the greatest form of intimacy. After all, the Hebrew word for ‘naked’ also means ‘vulnerable.’ In sex, we’re vulnerable to another human being … In sex, we are what we are and we make that available to another person. When we do that, Genesis says that the ‘two become one flesh.’ We are bodily joined and for an instant we are one organism … Through our sexuality, we can experience in the physical world the spiritual union we’re meant to have with God … Our sexuality shows us how deep and all-encompassing is the love of God for us. We don’t have to pretend with God. We can be open and vulnerable. We can be naked and helpless and God will still love us. And God won’t take advantage of our vulnerability … Sex, to me, is a sacrament, an act that embodies the presence of God or, as the liturgy puts it, ‘an outward sign of an inward and spiritual grace.’”
When we have such a strong spiritual and theological understanding of marriage, then we can understand why adultery is such a serious sin. In fact, in the Law of Moses, it was considered such a grievous act that it was punishable by death. In Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, the parson says that the commandment about adultery comes in between the one on murder and the one on stealing because adultery is the greatest murder and the greatest theft; it is the murder of the “one flesh” union, and it is the theft of the body from the spouse.
Adultery begins with lust, and basically it begins with a look. Think about the story of David and Bathsheba. David was walking on his rooftop patio and saw Bathsheba taking a bath. And then he kept on looking, and he allowed lust to grow in his heart and mind until he decided that he had to act on that lust by having sex with Bathsheba. He did this even though he was married to another woman and he knew that Bathsheba was married to another man. And his decision had deadly results for Bathsheba’s husband and for the child that was the result of his adultery.
Jesus understood that adultery was a sin that began with lust. He said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Jimmy Carter understood the truth of this teaching. In a famous interview he gave to Playboy magazine when he was running for President in 1976, he stated, “Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, ‘I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.’ I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do – and I have done it – and God forgives me for it.” He went on to say that there were few men and probably few women who had not violated this commandment as Jesus defined it.
The moment that we look on someone with lust is a moment of decision. Adam Hamilton quotes Walter Wangerin, who called it “the moment of ‘maybe.’” That is “the split second in which we may be seized by the thought of having an intimate relationship with someone who is not our spouse. When the thought crosses our mind, we either immediately shut the door – recognizing that an affair is wrong, is prohibited by God, and will result in pain – or we entertain the idea. We cultivate it. We imagine what it might be like. At this point, we might not have any intention of actually cheating on our mate or violating someone else’s marriage vows … The problem, Wangerin notes, is that when we begin to play with ‘maybe,’ it can be a short walk to ‘yes.”
Kalas points out that adultery is rarely something that people choose because of lust alone. Most people who get involved in an adulterous relationship are looking for something more, something beautiful, something different from what they have with their spouse. And people are willing to forget their spouse, their children, their jobs, and their God when they are in the midst of an affair. But the truth is that adultery will never give us what we are looking for, because it will not fulfill the spiritual aspect of a sexual relationship. It makes sex very one-dimensional.
Consider these examples of people who got involved in adulterous relationships. Both were members of Adam Hamilton’s congregation and came to confess their actions to him. One woman came to him and “described the emptiness of her marriage, a husband who was never home, never noticed, never told her she was loved or special or beautiful. Eventually she met another man who did tell her those things, and they ended up sleeping together. She knew it was wrong and had broken it off quickly. But she wept as she told me of the heartache she felt, the guilt and the shame. Her deepest hope was that she could put her marriage back together again.”
And there was a man in his 40s who came to Adam to talk about his affair. “It started as a flirtatious relationship at the office, seemingly innocent. But the excitement and energy of the forbidden relationship led the man and woman, both leaders in their churches, to a hotel room one night. They pledged they would never do it again, but the lure was too great. When the affair was found out, he said it was like waking from a stupor. He did not love the woman he’d been sleeping with. He loved his wife. But he’d caused her such pain, destroyed her sense of self worth and her trust. He sobbed in my office, asking if there was any way he could heal the harm he’d caused to the woman with whom he’d always dreamed of growing old.”
People are so in love when they get married, burning with desire for each other, walking on air. And they expect those feelings to last forever. But we know that they don’t. Life gets in the way. Jobs make us tired. Children may come along that demand time and attention. Sometimes we have to deal with health concerns, either for ourselves or for aging parents. And there are opportunities that present themselves for us to be unfaithful to our spouses. We are tempted; the grass is always greener on the other side, as they say. Adultery may seem to be an exciting alternative to the dull, boring married life that has somehow taken over your existence.
Adam Hamilton writes, “Feelings of love come and go. The commitment we make in marriage is not to always feel in love. It is to always practice love; to seek to bless, encourage, and build up our mate. Those seasons of resentment or frustration or loveless days and nights are like the ‘check engine’ light in a car. They are not signs that the car needs to be sent to the scrap yard, only that it needs some help.” Maybe it is something that you can work out by having some open and honest conversations. Or maybe you need to see a trained marriage counselor. But taking action before adultery actually occurs is the best way to save your marriage.
Hamilton also offers what he calls the 5 R’s of Resisting Temptation to help when you find yourself being tempted to commit the sin of adultery. First, Remember who you are. You are a follower of Christ, a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, someone who loves others and whom others love, someone that others look up to and respect. Is the action that you are tempted to take consistent with who you are? Second, Recognize the consequences of the action. What are the worst possible consequences of giving in to this temptation? How would you feel if you said yes? Who would be hurt by your action? Third, Rededicate yourself to God. Right there in the midst of being tempted, stop and pray and recommit yourself to God. Fourth, Reveal your struggle to a trusted friend. Hamilton writes, “As long as something remains a secret, it has power over us. But when we share our secret temptation with someone else, the desire often dissipates. The friend will be able to hold you accountable. Enlist your friend’s support.” And fifth, Remove yourself from the tempting situation. That may be as simple as unfriending someone on social media. Or it may be breaking off a relationship. It could become as serious as changing jobs or even moving away; but when you consider the possible outcomes of committing adultery, taking this kind of serious action is worth it.
To sum it all up, sex is a good thing when it is done within the kind of covenant relationship that God intends. Our sexuality is a gift from God that we are meant to enjoy. Sex has spiritual elements that connect us not only to the person we are with, but also to God. Giving in to the temptation of lust is the beginning of committing adultery. And committing adultery affects not only the people directly involved, but also their families and perhaps even their churches or workplaces. We have to take seriously the sin of adultery because of its harmful affects on our relationships with each other and with God. And we can find ways to resist temptation when we rely on our faith in God.
